Party-on Mayor Gavin Newsom!

Yo My San Francisco Residents,

I’ve been getting absolutely “hammered” in the press lately and I thought I would take this opportunity to defend myself against all these accusations from all those fugglie playa-haterz! Anyway, I went around and polled some of you to see what you thought about the following things.

1) Do you think I’ve been doing, like a good job, or a great job?

2) Do you think that it’s important that your mayor (or any public figure for that matter) take extreme care of their hair? And that they keep up to date on the most important innovations in hair care products. And that they are willing to spend as much time as needed to make sure that they have perfectly coiffed hair.

3) Do you think that a lot of the things that I’ve done have made San Francisco a better place to go to bars at?

4) Don’t you think the media has been unfair in their portrayal of me, and my recent problems, and that publications like Maxim are wrong to rank the “honeys” of San Francisco the 4th worst of any major Metropolitan area – I’m outraged for one.

Cindy, 22, Cow Hollow Resident, Bartender
1) OMG, you are doing such a really really awesome job!! You rock!!!
2) Well, I don’t know if it’s THE most important issue, but it’s definitely something that shows that you are HOT! Plus anytime you are doing research on innovations it’s, like, really important.
3) Totally, I mean, I work at one the cities premier watering holes, and I’ve noticed the difference in just the 3 short months that I’ve been doing it. I’m making a ton of money ;)
4) Totally, I mean we are one of the hottest cities on the planet! It’s probably because a lot of the people in the media are ugly.

Della, 21, Pacific Heights Resident, Server


1) You are the best and do a like really great job!
2) Yes! You’re hair is so sexy!
3) Uh huh, I’m so drunk right now!!!!!
4) What? This music is so loud, let’s go into the bathroom. What? Yeah..










Laurie, 29, Pacific Heights Resident, Philanthropist














1) I just think you’ve done more for this city than anyone. You are an inspiration not only for your dedication to the people, but all the time you’ve made for attending important social functions, without which almost all social services wouldn’t be possible.
2) Personal appearance is important sweetie; and you are the hunkiest mayor in the history of the world. I’m very familiar with the world as a philanthropist, so I can say this with 110% certainty.
3) It is important that we have more and more acceptable places for people of our social set to feel comfortable and so we can do the good work that we do. The local bar scene has been one of your most important contributions as mayor.
4) That’s why I only read the Nob Hill Gazette, and 7x7!

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After all this hard work polling, I rewarded all these good citizens with a little party back at “The Mansion” – eat your heart out Hef!