I am running for President. This is my platform

It will be a write in campaign. I hope I can count on your support.

1. Illegal Immigration - Its illegal. You are all criminals. Go home. When elected I will fix the ridiculous length of time it takes to become a part of this nation. Supercomputers, face recognition technology, DNA testing...it can't be that difficult. When you become a citizen...I heartily welcome you back to your new home.

2. Medical Coverage and Nationalized Health Care - Don't get sick. Take care of yourself. Walk your dog, play with your kids, go dancing. Live life until you die. Eat right. Don't smoke. You will lead a productive life. When elected, I will commit to nationalized healthcare. If you get cancer from your job, heredity, bad luck...we are here for you. But if you are stupid, and refuse to take care of yourself, the nation ain't payin'.

3. War - Politicians don't wage war. Politicians wage words. I will talk. The military will fight. We will never fight another wasted battle when I am in office. We will not worry about the rest of the world thinking that we are war mongers. If we need to fight, we will fight. And we will win. Nothing else is acceptable. You will never see "Rules of Engagement" coming from my White House. We fight, we win. Period. Whatever it takes. Not one dead soldier for a war that doesn't mean anything. Is the middle east going to explode? When I take office, I will turn Israel loose with some no joke weaponry. The problem should take care of itself within the week.

4. FEMA - New Orleans was and is a national disaster. The storm, and the way it was handled. When elected, I will hunt down the non-effective people that were leaders of FEMA at that time, and prosecute them for manslaughter. Should make the current leaders of the organization sit up and take notice. Next hurricane, their should be caviar and champagne for everyone.

5. Celebrity Justice - You folks have a higher visibility. You make tons more money. When I am in office, I will lobby for a law to be passed that celebrities who are found guilty of infractions of the law will be adjudged 3 times more severely than regular folks. Politicians will be adjudged 10 times more severely. Lawyers will be shot. For jaywalking.

6. Global Warming - When President, I will get the UN to use their peacekeeping force as environmental regulators. And where ever in the world that an offender is found, they will have 1 month to stop and fix what is polluting. If it can't be done in one month, an extension of six months may be given. After that it will be shutdown or blown up. This includes the area up and down the Houston Ship Channel.

7. Dog Fighting - Mans best friend. If you are caught dog fighting/ abusing animals, you will be Tasered. Every 20 minutes. For the next 30 years.
I ain't having that.

8. Oil Companies - See #3 above. After Israel gets through, we should be back to having $.29 cent gas again. I hope you Oil Company guys bring back those nifty glasses and Big Bonus stamps you used to give away to people when they filled up their tank. Oh...and yeah...go ahead and check the oil, and tire pressure while I sit here and watch.

God Bless the United States Marine Corps. Thank you for your time.