The Only Thing That Sucks More Than Your Face is Your Politics

Politicians are an extremely ugly group. Perhaps from the years of working long hours, perhaps selling one's soul takes a physical toll. Regardless of the reason, professional politics is a job for ugly people like stereotypical dumb hot blonde Hollywood roles are for dumb hot blondes. But as this year's of crop of failed and current presidential candidates shows, their crappy politics suck even more than their saggy faces. Let's examine some cases.

Ron Paul:

On foriegn policy matters, Ron Paul either is monumentally ignorant on history, or he thinks he is campaigning in the 1930s. Isolationism? We tried that before dummy, it didn't work out so well. Trying to pretend that other countries don't exist works as well as closing your eyes and thinking other people can't see you because you can't see them. America will not become invisible by ignoring the rest of the world. The last time we tried this, the rest of the world thanked us with Pearl Harbor. And we will have similar results if we try it again.

Barak Obama:

What are Obama's political views? Who the heck knows? The one thing he does want to make clear to me, you and everyone else is that he is not a Washington insider. What Mr. Outsider consistently fails to mention is that he is an insider in the Illinois political machine which ranks right below Zimbabwe in terms of corruption.

The most corrupt governments in the world:

1. Zimbabwe
2. Illinois state government
3. China
4. Cuba
5. Every shit eating country in the Middle East

Congrats dirt bag, you are even more skilled at participating in corrupt politics than the rest of the Washington crowd. An Illinois insider bragging that they are a Washington outsider is like a PETA member bragging that they don't eat animals but do eat people. Fortunately there is a cure for Illinois politicians. They cower before guys named Fitzgerald like vampires before a cross.

Dennis Kucinich:

A picture is worth a thousand words.


John McCain:

He thinks that teaching Creationism "Science" should be decided by individual school districts. Great idea, why not let every district make up its own mind on the definition of all words? Creationism is not a science. It cannot be observed and tested, which real scientific theories can be. Perhaps he also thinks that schools should teach that Noah's Arc is the reason some animals exist and others are extinct (they drowned). Why not teach the Book of Genesis along side astronomical observations to explain how the universe came to be? A background of microwave radiation that shows traces of the Big Bang? That was on the first day. Try keeping real science in the science classes and stories of faith in theology classes douche bag.

Mike Huckabee:

Not to be outdone by McCain's pandering to Christian conservatives Huckabee takes it a step farther and is one of the people McCain panders to. He spends his free time disbelieving in evolution and spends his work time advocating putting the 10 Commandments up in schools. Seeing as how these guys want to use the class room to promote their politics and religious views, I have a proposal, instead of using numbers to teach math, we can use politics. For example:

Astronomy + dinosaur bones / evolution = Creationists are a bunch of idiots

Mitt Romney:

It isn't actually possible to agree or disagree with Romney on anything because he agrees with every position under the sun. It just depends on who he is trying to please at the moment. He flip flops so much that he is actually more like John Kerry than John Kerry is. Once he was changing positions so rapidly that Teresa Heinz Kerry got confused and tried to make out with him and Kerry's kids have mistakenly given Romney Christmas presents instead of their dad three different years.

Hillary Clinton:

It turns out my original premise, that politician's views are even uglier than their faces is wrong. Despite having never been right about anything in her entire life, Clinton's face is still uglier than her views. She is so ugly that her ugliness f***s up the space-time continuum. Historians have recently discovered that her ugliness inspired the ancient Greek myth of Medusa Gorgon, thousands of years before she was born. Try to tell the difference between these pictures:






















That is right, it isn't possible. Not from face shots only anyway. The only known possible difference is that the Greek myth never specifically mentions Medusa having cankles. As is well known, cankles are the ugliest possible trait a woman can have, therefore Clinton beats Medusa for the title of Ugliest Woman Ever.